just an update

I am back with another post here. Probably everyone who used to view my blog once in a while has stopped viewing it as it has been quite some time since the last update. Doesnt matter tho.
I have picked up a habit that i truly enjoy and i have set a goal for myself. i found that setting small goals and achieving it one at a time can really enrich my life. I realize that my life is getting more meaningful as achievements are filling it up. which is a positive way to live ur life i guess. try to do it pls. i promise that this will be, i wouldnt say the best, but an ideal way for you to keep ur college/uni life going with excitement.

i am planning to join some societies. I used to think that this is such a waste of time, as if i am not busy enough already. But when you have found ur passion in certain thing, that wouldnt be a waste of time to you. That would be enjoyable, exiting and exhilarating.

you need a lot of planning when you're studying at where i am studying. plan ur day and stick to it. time management is really important here as you bit the class slot and build a timetable by yourself. knowing ur ability and capability is essential. what course to register for this sem? you need to consider if youre able to cover all the courses that are suggested. dont take as many if you couldnt handle ( courses here are not easy, at least in my faculty ), pointless, this will only drag ur cgpa down at the end. however be aware of the number of courses you take so that you will be able to finish ur program in time.   

I have been telling people that i changed a lot since i have graduated from secondary school. Thats true. i have indeed changed a lot. but there is still a scattered part of me that i am still keeping with me. i am still as introvert as how i used to be since the day i was born. that can never be changed i guess. is that a bad thing? no idea. i personally think that it is a drawback. but i am who i am. kay bye

It's been a while

Have you ever found urself in a situation where you are so occupied and overwhelmed by things around you? You used to not knowing how to spend your excess time but now you find yourself lack of time to finish the things you plan to do. One of the reason could be us thinking too much, worrying too much. When we grow older, we keep more secrets, or perhaps we just simply think that people wont give a crap about what are we thinking, thus we choose to keep it to ourselves. You will be stronger if you reveal less of your feelings to others. After some times of storing problems in our head and heart, spending time to think about it has become a routine even if it doesnt make any difference or solve any problem that has been accumulated all the while.

This is how we cultivate the habit of wasting our time thinking about nonsense in the first place. Well at least this is how i started the habit. I could sometimes spend 3-4 hours thinking about shits and at the end of my meditation, i just realized that i spent few hours laying on bed, did nothing. Of course, once in a while, you can have time for self-reflection, but dont do it as if youre having a road trip without a specific destination. Know exactly what you want to find out about urself, dont end up using up few hours but could not come up with any conclusion about urself. Because that is not called a self-reflection session, that is simply time-wasting.

last post of 2016

I am 20 tomorrow.  Cant believe that time passes THAT fast that i've been living for 2 decades and i dont feel like i've done something dedicated. I have no direction as to where i am going and what kind of person i want to be in the near future after i graduate from college. I always sound like i have a BIG DREAM and i have everything under control. But tbh, i am just a lost girl, i have no specific goal at all, be it long term or short term. I want to be rich, that's it. nothing specific and i' ve never come out with any planning that is in line, even with my general and superficial ''goal''. So lost that i wish i could just freeze the time at this moment and make the clock of the world stopped tick-tocking, until i can come out with a real, specific and personalized goal or path of my own.  Selfish i know. But i am just an ordinary hooman and that is how hoomans are. SELFISH. SELF-CENTERED. 

As the cliche goes : new year new life.  But just freaking face the reality. You are still you, and you will still pass your time in the same old way tmr believe me. A new year does not make you a new person. A new year does not make you a better person but your resolutions along with perseverance makes you one. You can be a better person in the middle of year after all and not necessarily to be in the beginning of year. So don't be like '' Aww.. doomed ''  if you didn't spend the first day of 2017 as you planned or expected. If you lived exactly like how you planned, then what's the meaning of life? So my 2017 resolution : Stay calm and embrace uncertainties. 

confession

My life was never being all smooth, i've been through a lot of bumps and holes to come to here, to be who i am now. It wasn't easy tho, but i'm so grateful about everything i have been through and what i have now. You get lessons through failing and that is exactly what makes you a better person. We all have done something that we never wanted to be reminded of, definitely not something that should be proud of but the other way round.
i have too done something really horrible to recall. i cry and my soul is emptied every time i think about that. i see the ugliest part of me whenever i think of it. i am srsly regret af for being such a sinful person. what i can do is put it into a box and lock it up, keep it in the deepest of my heart. i would not try to forget it, instead, i am making it as a lesson, remind myself dont ever do it again. no one knows it, because it is just too shameful to be told.

people can really hate someone and love someone at the same time. at least i can, when it comes to you. you always make me so hurt and angry yet i somehow still love you so much deep inside. if i hadn't i would have left you long long time ago. after you provoked me, you'll always use the cutest way to light me up. then why you wanna make me angry at the first place? no idea.

i really love you so much you know? i know you knew it, that's why you keep taking advantage of my affection towards you. but you cant take it for granted. pls, dont push my limitation. it was really so hurt when i wanted to solve the problems between us but you kept showing me the annoyed expression. i tried so hard. to control my temper, to not being mistrustful when you are taping on the screen of ur phone. i changed A LOT for you, just dont take it for granted pls. no one can.

you were really so cute. especially when i chatted with wk and asked you if you have iphone charger. you thought you had but you said no. because you were jealous, didnt want me to chat with him. cutest act ever. i would take that as love? you love me right? but why you kept hurting me? i dont understand, really dont.

you hugging me from behind, it was so nice, and i felt so secured.
i keep worrying how much longer you would love me all the time you know. that means you never gave me enough of security, or i asked for too much?
i have no confidence in myself prolly, or i love you too much.

为什么你不可以体谅我多一点，你觉得他一直这样harass我，我会很开心吗? 我也会怕的。我不明白为什么有问题的是他，suffer 的却是我。我不明白为什么你一定要我半夜起来防着他。难道每一次我看到他都要躲吗？这个真的是解决问题的方法吗？错的又不是我。我不想跟我姐姐讲有我的道理，我不想破坏我们之间的感情，我不能保证她知道后不会连我也一起生气。我也不懂我可以做什么，我也很怕很困扰。而你，尽然说我是自找的。你讲这句话的时候我真的哭了，在我害怕，需要人保护的时候，得到的却是一句“我觉得你是自找的”。你知道我是口硬心软的，我只是想听你关心我，只要你说多几句，我一定会做你要我做的事，但是“你自找” 这一句，我真的无言了。我在你眼里真的那么的... 算了。

0511

Alright, gonna write a short post for my 19th birthday before it ends. Start from ytd night maybe.

It was a pretty short gathering, but i feel like backed to the old time, when we used to sit around the school canteen then keep chit chatting every weekday mornings. And didn't really expect yip to really join the celebration, thank you for coming, really. And you should go out with us more often, as well as yap, the gathering would be much more fun with you two around! AND thanks for " escorting " me to yd's house. I was pretty worried and scared  that I had to go by myself... You guys didn't have to celebrate with me, especially Weikei, Lichien and Sinyee who are sitting for exam very soon, but you guys come, that's really so heart-warming. I mean it, everything I write here.

Ytd night was so nice too, I felt so loved back in ur house, ur mom keep covering me with the blanket at night, scared me get cold probably, made me feel like I'm a baby child, which I always wanted to be. And you gave me all ur pillow, bolster, blanket. They all smelled so " yao dong ". You gotta sleep on the floor without blanket and bolster, Hmmmnnn, 辛苦了.

Finally, today, my official birthdate. It ain't like the most wonderful birthday celebration that ever existed in this world, but it's definitely the best one in my universe, well, so far. Thank you so much for everything. I somehow sensed that you would buy me a black Nike, but since I always believe that the more you expect, the more disappointed you would be. So I kind of like stopped thinking about that, told myself that's impossible. But when you brought me there, and asked me "懂我要送什么给你了吗" with that smile on ur face, which was SUPER CUTE, I was really so happy, and still am.

If you are capable of, you'll always give me everything I want , well, not really EVERYTHING tho --sometimes you don't -- but that's enough. You arent the best bf ever, yet, but I know you never stop learning how to be my best bf, and you will definitely be one very soon. Thank you baby.

This isn't really a short one...