last post of 2016

I am 20 tomorrow.  Cant believe that time passes THAT fast that i've been living for 2 decades and i dont feel like i've done something dedicated. I have no direction as to where i am going and what kind of person i want to be in the near future after i graduate from college. I always sound like i have a BIG DREAM and i have everything under control. But tbh, i am just a lost girl, i have no specific goal at all, be it long term or short term. I want to be rich, that's it. nothing specific and i' ve never come out with any planning that is in line, even with my general and superficial ''goal''. So lost that i wish i could just freeze the time at this moment and make the clock of the world stopped tick-tocking, until i can come out with a real, specific and personalized goal or path of my own.  Selfish i know. But i am just an ordinary hooman and that is how hoomans are. SELFISH. SELF-CENTERED. 

As the cliche goes : new year new life.  But just freaking face the reality. You are still you, and you will still pass your time in the same old way tmr believe me. A new year does not make you a new person. A new year does not make you a better person but your resolutions along with perseverance makes you one. You can be a better person in the middle of year after all and not necessarily to be in the beginning of year. So don't be like '' Aww.. doomed ''  if you didn't spend the first day of 2017 as you planned or expected. If you lived exactly like how you planned, then what's the meaning of life? So my 2017 resolution : Stay calm and embrace uncertainties. 

confession

My life was never being all smooth, i've been through a lot of bumps and holes to come to here, to be who i am now. It wasn't easy tho, but i'm so grateful about everything i have been through and what i have now. You get lessons through failing and that is exactly what makes you a better person. We all have done something that we never wanted to be reminded of, definitely not something that should be proud of but the other way round.
i have too done something really horrible to recall. i cry and my soul is emptied every time i think about that. i see the ugliest part of me whenever i think of it. i am srsly regret af for being such a sinful person. what i can do is put it into a box and lock it up, keep it in the deepest of my heart. i would not try to forget it, instead, i am making it as a lesson, remind myself dont ever do it again. no one knows it, because it is just too shameful to be told.

people can really hate someone and love someone at the same time. at least i can, when it comes to you. you always make me so hurt and angry yet i somehow still love you so much deep inside. if i hadn't i would have left you long long time ago. after you provoked me, you'll always use the cutest way to light me up. then why you wanna make me angry at the first place? no idea.

i really love you so much you know? i know you knew it, that's why you keep taking advantage of my affection towards you. but you cant take it for granted. pls, dont push my limitation. it was really so hurt when i wanted to solve the problems between us but you kept showing me the annoyed expression. i tried so hard. to control my temper, to not being mistrustful when you are taping on the screen of ur phone. i changed A LOT for you, just dont take it for granted pls. no one can.

you were really so cute. especially when i chatted with wk and asked you if you have iphone charger. you thought you had but you said no. because you were jealous, didnt want me to chat with him. cutest act ever. i would take that as love? you love me right? but why you kept hurting me? i dont understand, really dont.

you hugging me from behind, it was so nice, and i felt so secured.
i keep worrying how much longer you would love me all the time you know. that means you never gave me enough of security, or i asked for too much?
i have no confidence in myself prolly, or i love you too much.

为什么你不可以体谅我多一点，你觉得他一直这样harass我，我会很开心吗? 我也会怕的。我不明白为什么有问题的是他，suffer 的却是我。我不明白为什么你一定要我半夜起来防着他。难道每一次我看到他都要躲吗？这个真的是解决问题的方法吗？错的又不是我。我不想跟我姐姐讲有我的道理，我不想破坏我们之间的感情，我不能保证她知道后不会连我也一起生气。我也不懂我可以做什么，我也很怕很困扰。而你，尽然说我是自找的。你讲这句话的时候我真的哭了，在我害怕，需要人保护的时候，得到的却是一句“我觉得你是自找的”。你知道我是口硬心软的，我只是想听你关心我，只要你说多几句，我一定会做你要我做的事，但是“你自找” 这一句，我真的无言了。我在你眼里真的那么的... 算了。

0511

Alright, gonna write a short post for my 19th birthday before it ends. Start from ytd night maybe.

It was a pretty short gathering, but i feel like backed to the old time, when we used to sit around the school canteen then keep chit chatting every weekday mornings. And didn't really expect yip to really join the celebration, thank you for coming, really. And you should go out with us more often, as well as yap, the gathering would be much more fun with you two around! AND thanks for " escorting " me to yd's house. I was pretty worried and scared  that I had to go by myself... You guys didn't have to celebrate with me, especially Weikei, Lichien and Sinyee who are sitting for exam very soon, but you guys come, that's really so heart-warming. I mean it, everything I write here.

Ytd night was so nice too, I felt so loved back in ur house, ur mom keep covering me with the blanket at night, scared me get cold probably, made me feel like I'm a baby child, which I always wanted to be. And you gave me all ur pillow, bolster, blanket. They all smelled so " yao dong ". You gotta sleep on the floor without blanket and bolster, Hmmmnnn, 辛苦了.

Finally, today, my official birthdate. It ain't like the most wonderful birthday celebration that ever existed in this world, but it's definitely the best one in my universe, well, so far. Thank you so much for everything. I somehow sensed that you would buy me a black Nike, but since I always believe that the more you expect, the more disappointed you would be. So I kind of like stopped thinking about that, told myself that's impossible. But when you brought me there, and asked me "懂我要送什么给你了吗" with that smile on ur face, which was SUPER CUTE, I was really so happy, and still am.

If you are capable of, you'll always give me everything I want , well, not really EVERYTHING tho --sometimes you don't -- but that's enough. You arent the best bf ever, yet, but I know you never stop learning how to be my best bf, and you will definitely be one very soon. Thank you baby.

This isn't really a short one...

in the past one and a half years, i really changed a lot. loneliness changed me, the need to be brave and deal everything by my own self changed me. 

i used to find lichien or weikei when i need someone to talk to, when i'm sad and need friends to be with me badly. or maybe have a night talk with my sis. i wont now. not because of i have a bf now, cause i wont tell him either when i'm sad, i'll mostly just listen to music, cry alone.  i somehow became even more withdrawn than i used to be. 

probably because of i need to do most of the stuff in college on my own, i got used to not bothering others if possible. so even if i need someone to talk to, i wont find you guys, i'll just cry it out, cause i dont want to bother you all, we all have our own life, and our own problems to be dealt with, i dont want to be an annoying friend. 

可能我们变陌生了, 我竟然觉得不好意思. 

when i become more independent, i become lonelier. and the lonelier i am, the more depressed i am. 

whenever i am with you, i can temporary be the real me, the dependent one, the less lonely and depressed me, you might sometimes think that i am so annoying, but i really cant get used to being alone, i tried, i really can't do that. i'm not you, dont mean to be sarcastic but you started learning it since you were young, you actually spent more than 10 years to learn it. you cant expect me to be as independent as you. we all have different family backgrounds, different lifestyles which created different personalities. you cant really expect me to be like you when i didnt pass through what you've gone through. Just like you cant be as realistic as i am, because you never gone through what i had, you dont know what had happened to my family, those i never tell you. 

well, gone way too far, bye.

Lee Yao Dong

Hi, I don't know if you're mad at me now, I just can't fall asleep now, I feel so unsecured?, I can't really describe how I feel now, just weird, when you're not saying goodnight to me. 

I know you don't like her, right? Anyway, i never am a confident one, and I hate unanticipated things. I know you might not love her, but I just couldn't help but keep thinking that you might love others when you're chatting with someone else. To me you never are someone that would take the initiative to talk to other girls, so when you did, you had a feeling towards her, and that scared me a lot. 

When I know you went to find her again, after what you've promised, even if that was just a small talk, it hit me, and that was a hard one. One of my biggest fears is losing you, I hate to admit that, I hate to show you that I actually love you more than you do to me. One of my birthday wish prolly would be not loving you so much. The more I love you, the easier I get hurt. That's obviously not a good thing.

You lose everything when you got too serious in a relationship. I know I won't get hurt when I learn how to care less. I'm a slow learner probably, I still don't know how to do that, I don't know how to care less when it come to you. Well, I promise that I would get the trick someday, I just need time, give me some time . 

I think if I could stop being a controller, give you enough space and care you less, you would definitely be happier. I would be happier.

27 january 2016

me again! well i felt so much when reading yuwen's post updated on the first of jan, felt like as if only she knows me, she does know how i feel, the loneliness, the feel when you actually have bunch of stuff to do yet you can still feel so empty down in your heart. which always make me dont feel like doing anything but just sitting in my place, keeping quiet and staring at the trees outside through the window. that actually makes my feel better.

i just feel like i've wasted my time on studying, yea, i actually used ''wasted''. when i think back what i've done last year, it's sarcastic that only two words came up -- working, studying. how dull is that... owh yea, and a short get-away with jekzgnmg and budbud. yea, that would definitely be the only thing that i would smile when i recall.

people may think that i'm so clingy when i'm with you, my family may think that i always go out or meeting you once i got back home from hostel, but they never know the reason of me being like that. my family loves me, i know that, but when i need somebody to take me out to get some fresh air, buy me the things i want, eat something ive been craving for a long time or bear my temper, only you are the one who actually be by my side. i do feel lucky and blessed, i'm blessed to meet someone like you who can actually do something that even my family and best friends couldnt do for me. ( i dont really expect them to do it for me tho ) maybe it's because that my parents have four daughters, i can only got 1/4 love at most from them, jekzgnmg has 7 members and each of them have their own new friends, i could only get maybe 1/10 love from each of them. but you, i'm the only girlfriend of you, evn if after taking ur family into account, i could actually get 1/3 love from you. thats why i like to be with you. ( love can actually be calculated isn't it ? )

when i grow older, i can see clearer. i know clearly that who's good to me and who's not. i get used to how people being so hypocritical in the college. i know how realistic can a person be. and i'm starting to become one of them. i dont want to, but life push me towards that path, i can do nothing but only to accept myself to be a hypocrite, for which i actually hated the most, in order to survive, extraordinarily. you might think i sound exaggerated, i watched too many hk drama? well, now you dont, but you eventually will, believe me. only when i'm with you, my family and jekzgnmg, i can be myself, the real me, the one who always want to be pampered like a baby, desperately...


life is short, just live it the way you enjoy... easy to say isn't it ? :)